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Sod Southern - our alternative Amex transport guide

After the shambles that was the Friday night game with Aston Villa, something needs to be done about public transport to and from the Amex Stadium.

Southern Rail continued their shambolic record by ensuring that fans couldn't get to or from the game with no prior warning. How somebody wasn't seriously hurt in the chaos that unfolded is nothing short of a miracle.

WeAreBrighton say enough is enough. It is clear Southern, the RMT Union and the government have no intention of sorting out the utter mess things have become. Paul Barber may be on the war path, but how much power does the Brighton and Hove Albion CEO have in all this?

No, the time has come to give up on Southern Rail getting you to and from games. With this in mind, we've come up with 13 alternative ways that would be more reliable in ensuring we can support our team until this entire debacle is sorted out.

What is it?
A domesticated member of the horse family that was used in biblical times to transport people and goods around.
Pros: As a mode of transport, this was good enough for Jesus of Nazareth and by association, Inigo Calderon. Environmentally friendly to please the green looby.
Cons: If we don't keep Glenn Murray at the end of the season, the club may try and sign it in the summer as a replacement striker. See Billy Paynter.
What is it?
A time travelling machine used by a race called the Time Lords from the planet of Gallifrey.
Pros: Time Lord technology means it is bigger on the inside so can fit an absolute shed load of people inside it for the journey - potentially all 30,000 fans attempting to get to the Amex.
Cons: Being a time machine, there is a danger it could inadvertently take us back to 1998 and then we'd be stuck in Gillingham watching Michael Mahoney-Johnson again.
Lift with Alex Pritchard's agent
What is it?
A lift with the agent of Alex Pritchard, otherwise known as a money grabbing bastard.
Pros: You wouldn't have to pay petrol money as he has so much of it himself. In fact, you would probably end up making a fair whack through knowing him.
Cons: There is a danger you would find yourself stuck in the M25 for a short amount of time which in turn instead leads to you ending up at Carrow Road, Norwich.
What is it?
A mode of transport used to respond to emergency situations which ferries people to and from hospitals.
Pros: With blue lights flashing and sirens blaring, other vehicles would be forced out of the way meaning a quick journey time to the Amex can be achieved.
Cons: Given our injury record, there is a danger that the vehicle may be commandeered mid match to take a player to hospital, potentially leaving one stranded at Falmer.
Hogwarts Express
What is it?
A steam train that takes students to and from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry, based somewhere in Scotland.
Pros: The only known instance of someone not getting on bored did not involve "shortage of available train crew", but a rogue elf named Dobby who sealed the barrier.
Cons: Not available on September 1st should there be a home game. Potential chaos of people trying to get onto a platform that doesn't exist at Brighton Station.
Flying Saucer
What is it?
A strange craft that is often perceived to be the preferred mode of transport of alien creatures when they visit Earth.
Pros: These things can go bloody fast. It would also afford you the sort of views humans rarely get to experience, up there among the moon and the stars.
Cons: Once you up there in space and have seen Seven Stars, Paul Barber will try and charge you 250 for the privilege. This means it is hardly used.
Log flume from Palace Pier
What is it?
A newly constructed log flume taking people from the Palace Pier along the length of Lewes Road and into Falmer Pond.
Pros: It would probably be the longest log flume in the world, potentially providing a valuable revenue stream for Paul Barber to rinse the cash from.
Cons: Wouldn't come cheap. 30,000 fans being deposited by a mechanical log into Falmer Pond could prove difficult to get past the planning stage.
Hang Gliding
What is it?
A non motorised foot launched heavier than air aircraft. Basically, jump off a hill and hope some wind carries you along.
Pros: Would provide a scenic journey from Glynde to Amex. Opportunity to stop at the wonderful Middle Farm before hand to stock up on 11% ciders.
Cons: Glynde is even more of a bastard to get to than Falmer. And you could be buggered if weather conditions aren't right which they invariably won't be half the time.
Bed from Bedknobs and Broomsticks
What is it?
A bed that is enchanted by the witch Eglantine Price so that it can fly to any destination the user desires.
Pros: A comfortable journey to the stadium. If Sami Hyypia ever got another shot at the job, you could simply lie on your mode of transport and have a sleep.
Cons: Doesn't have good history when it comes to transportation to a football game after the riot that followed the blue team taking on the yellow team when a rhino punctured the ball.
Gus Bus
What is it?
A relic from a previous life - a bus that is piloted by Gus Poyet on a journey.
Pros: Has what experts along with Gus himself have described as "an unbreakable glass ceiling" which makes it an extremely safe choice of transport.
Cons: Doesn't deal well with any unexpected diversions as if it doesn't get it's own way it is prone to going off the rails. Other recent examples include incidents in Sunderland and Seville.
What is it?
A personal mode of transport in which you use ski's to glide to a destination across snow.
Pros: Provides good exercise and an excuse to wear horrible clothing. Greater exposure to the sport could also improve Team GB's medal haul at future Winter Olympics.
Cons: Sussex suffers from what some would call a significant lack of snow. The journey from the city centre is largely uphill which also makes things difficult.
What is it?
A elongated car used by Undertakers for carrying a coffin to a funeral.
Pros: Would get you prepared for whatever we are doing a minutes applause for at the Amex that week. Sombre atmosphere is good preparation for 90 minutes in the North Stand.
Cons: Conversation isn't all that and you would probably have to wear black and white in the back of the thing. They are also incredibly slow so time would become a factor.
Magic Carpet
What is it?
A mythical form of transport which involves an enchanted carpet that can fly. Popular in Agrabah many years ago.
Pros: The ideal mode of family transport which we're disappointed is yet to take off in Europe. It allows for quick exits and you can fit your mother, your father, your wife, your daughter and a lad in.
Cons: If everybody arrived by magic carpet then parking at the stadium could prove troublesome, not to mention air traffic control dealing with Sussex would be in a whole new world of problems.