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Donkey
What is it?
A domesticated member of the horse family that
was used in biblical times to transport people
and goods around.
Pros: As a mode of
transport, this was good enough for Jesus of
Nazareth and by association, Inigo Calderon.
Environmentally friendly to please the green
looby.
Cons: If we don't keep Glenn
Murray at the end of the season, the club may
try and sign it in the summer as a replacement
striker. See Billy Paynter. |
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TARDIS
What is it?
A time travelling machine used by a race called
the Time Lords from the planet of Gallifrey.
Pros:
Time Lord technology means it is bigger on the
inside so can fit an absolute shed load of
people inside it for the journey - potentially
all 30,000 fans attempting to get to the Amex.
Cons: Being a time machine, there is a
danger it could inadvertently take us back to
1998 and then we'd be stuck in Gillingham
watching Michael Mahoney-Johnson again. |
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Lift with Alex Pritchard's agent
What is it?
A lift with the
agent of Alex Pritchard, otherwise known as a
money grabbing bastard.
Pros: You
wouldn't have to pay petrol money as he has so
much of it himself. In fact, you would probably
end up making a fair whack through knowing him.
Cons: There is a danger you would find
yourself stuck in the M25 for a short amount of
time which in turn instead leads to you ending
up at Carrow Road, Norwich. |
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Ambulance
What is it?
A mode of transport used to respond to emergency
situations which ferries people to and from
hospitals.
Pros: With blue lights
flashing and sirens blaring, other vehicles
would be forced out of the way meaning a quick
journey time to the Amex can be achieved.
Cons: Given our injury record, there is a
danger that the vehicle may be commandeered mid
match to take a player to hospital, potentially
leaving one stranded at Falmer. |
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Hogwarts Express
What is it?
A steam train that takes students to and from
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry, based
somewhere in Scotland.
Pros: The only
known instance of someone not getting on bored
did not involve "shortage of available train
crew", but a rogue elf named Dobby who sealed
the barrier.
Cons: Not available on
September 1st should there be a home game.
Potential chaos of people trying to get onto a
platform that doesn't exist at Brighton Station. |
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Flying Saucer
What is it?
A strange craft that
is often perceived to be the preferred mode of
transport of alien creatures when they visit
Earth.
Pros: These things can go
bloody fast. It would also afford you the sort
of views humans rarely get to experience, up
there among the moon and the stars.
Cons:
Once you up there in space and have seen
Seven Stars, Paul Barber will try and charge you
£250 for the privilege. This means it is hardly
used. |
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Log flume from Palace Pier
What is it?
A newly constructed log flume taking people from
the Palace Pier along the length of Lewes Road
and into Falmer Pond.
Pros: It would
probably be the longest log flume in the world,
potentially providing a valuable revenue stream
for Paul Barber to rinse the cash from.
Cons: Wouldn't come cheap. 30,000 fans being
deposited by a mechanical log into Falmer Pond
could prove difficult to get past the planning
stage. |
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Hang Gliding
What is it?
A non motorised foot
launched heavier than air aircraft. Basically,
jump off a hill and hope some wind carries you
along.
Pros: Would provide a scenic
journey from Glynde to Amex. Opportunity to stop
at the wonderful Middle Farm before hand to
stock up on 11% ciders.
Cons: Glynde
is even more of a bastard to get to than Falmer.
And you could be buggered if weather conditions
aren't right which they invariably won't be half
the time. |
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Bed from Bedknobs and Broomsticks
What is it?
A bed that is
enchanted by the witch Eglantine Price so that
it can fly to any destination the user desires.
Pros:
A comfortable journey to the stadium. If Sami
Hyypia ever got another shot at the job, you
could simply lie on your mode of transport and
have a sleep.
Cons: Doesn't have good
history when it comes to transportation to a
football game after the riot that followed the
blue team taking on the yellow team when a rhino
punctured the ball. |
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Gus Bus
What is it?
A relic from a
previous life - a bus that is piloted by Gus
Poyet on a journey.
Pros: Has what
experts along with Gus himself have described as
"an unbreakable glass ceiling" which makes it an
extremely safe choice of transport.
Cons:
Doesn't deal well with any unexpected
diversions as if it doesn't get it's own way it
is prone to going off the rails. Other recent
examples include incidents in Sunderland and
Seville. |
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Skiing
What is it?
A personal mode of
transport in which you use ski's to glide to a
destination across snow.
Pros:
Provides good exercise and an excuse to wear
horrible clothing. Greater exposure to the sport
could also improve Team GB's medal haul at
future Winter Olympics.
Cons: Sussex
suffers from what some would call a significant
lack of snow. The journey from the city centre
is largely uphill which also makes things
difficult. |
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Hearse
What is it?
A elongated car used
by Undertakers for carrying a coffin to a
funeral.
Pros: Would get you prepared
for whatever we are doing a minutes applause for
at the Amex that week. Sombre atmosphere is good
preparation for 90 minutes in the North Stand.
Cons: Conversation isn't all that and you
would probably have to wear black and white in
the back of the thing. They are also incredibly
slow so time would become a factor. |
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Magic Carpet
What is it?
A mythical form of
transport which involves an enchanted carpet
that can fly. Popular in Agrabah many years ago.
Pros:
The ideal mode of family transport which we're
disappointed is yet to take off in Europe. It
allows for quick exits and you can fit your
mother, your father, your wife, your daughter
and a lad in.
Cons: If everybody
arrived by magic carpet then parking at the
stadium could prove troublesome, not to mention
air traffic control dealing with Sussex would be
in a whole new world of problems. |
