Brighton 2-3 Manchester United: Daylight robbery reported in Falmer area
Sussex Police, I would like to report a crime. On Saturday 26th September 2020, a daylight robbery took place at the American Express Community Stadium where Brighton & Hove Albion had points stolen from them in a 2-3 defeat to Manchester United.
The robbery took place over a time frame of 100 minutes, despite the fact that a game of football is only meant to last for 90 plus stoppage time, which on this occasion was signalled as being five minutes.
There were two main protagonists involved in the crime, a Mr Edward Woodwork and a Mr Chris Kavanagh. They were supported by 14 men in red and black and a Mr Simon Hooper, who was working remotely at Stockley Park. Together, this band of criminals pulled off the biggest heist since Hatton Garden.
94 minutes and 23 seconds of football had elapsed when Mr Solomon March scored for Brighton to make the score 2-2. This was the least that Brighton deserved as, despite their starting line up having cost a fraction of the Manchester United XI, they were superior to their visitors in every department during this 2-3 defeat.
A Mr Alireza Jahanbakhsh crossed the football for Mr March to head home at the back post. There should have been 37 seconds left to play after Mr March scored, but Mr Kavanagh is either a cheat or does not know how to tell the time and so the action continued.
Mr Kavanagh then blew the final whistle two minutes later. The laws of the game state that once this action has happened, the score at that time is final. Hence why it is called the final whistle. The official cannot go back and resume play.
And yet that is exactly what Mr Kavanagh did. He blew the final whistle with the score at Brighton 2-2 Manchester United, before deciding that he wanted to award a penalty to Manchester United for a handball by Mr Neal Maupay.
Not only was this illegal, but the Manchester United corner from which Mr Maupay handled should have been a goal kick to Brighton. Manchester United very clearly ran the ball out of play before winning the corner.
Brighton were conned twice in a matter of minutes by Mr Kavanagh and Mr Hooper, who magically noticed Mr Maupay’s handball whilst watching back on television but completely ignored the fact that it should have been a Brighton goal kick.
Mr Bruno Fernandes converted the penalty to make it Brighton 2-3 Manchester United, by which point 100 minutes had passed. Mr Kavanagh then instantly blew his final whistle for the second time. One might call it the final final whistle.
Before Mr Kavanagh’s brazen piece of thievery, Mr Woodwork had stopped Brighton scoring on five occasions. This set a new Premier League record for number of times the post and bar have been hit by one club in a single game.
Mr Woodwork stole goals from Mr Leandro Trossard three times, Mr Adam Webster via an excellent save from Mr David De Gea and Mr March.
If I were Manchester United boss Mr Ole Gunnar Solksjaer, I would be seriously concerned that the frame of the goal had been my team’s man-of-the-match against little old Brighton.
Mr Hooper’s role in the robbery also included overturning a penalty awarded for a foul on Mr Aaron Connolly. Mr Connolly had been bundled over in the box by Mr Paul Pogba, only for Mr Hooper to inform Mr Kavanagh that he should change his decision to award a spot kick and hand Manchester United a free kick instead.
Whilst on the subject of Mr Pogba, should your serious organised crime department have the time and resources, you may want to look into the fact that Mr Pogba cost Manchester United £89 million.
That fee looks like another robbery, especially when compared with Brighton signing Mr Steve Alzate for £100,000 from Leyton Orient. Mr Alzate was the best midfielder on show despite sharing the pitch with Mr Pogba, Mr Fernandes and Mr Nemanja Matic, who cost Manchester United a combined £199 million.
Mr Tariq Lamptey has been the young Brighton player taking all the plaudits recently, especially in light of his performance in last weekend’s 3-0 win at Newcastle United.
But Mr Alzate is not far behind. It is another crime that he is not talked about as one of the best young prospects in the country. Perhaps if Brighton had signed him for £50 million from South America rather than £100,000 from East London, then he would be.
Mr Lamptey played a part in Brighton’s first goal, winning a first half penalty which Mr Maupay scored with a cheeky Panenka. In the interests of balance, it should be said that it was quite a soft spot kick awarded by Mr Kavanagh against Manchester United.
Little did we know that he was merely softening Brighton up for the later robbery. Like all good fraudsters, Mr Kavanagh lured the Albion into thinking he was on their side, only to then brazenly steal the points from them.
Brighton’s lead was short lived as within two minutes, Manchester United levelled. There was a touch of fortune about the leveller as Mr Harry Maguire turned the ball towards goal following some pretty slack marking from Mr Matic’s free kick with the final touch coming off Mr Lewis Dunk for an own goal.
There was nothing fortunate about Manchester United’s second. Mr Marcus Rashford was one of the few good guys on show. He has dabbled in politics, shaming the government into performing a u-turn on their plans to stop giving free school meals to children living in poverty.
As well as being an outstanding person, Mr Rashford is not a bad footballer. He led Mr Ben White on a merry dance by twisting and turning his way to goal before smashing a shot past Mr Mathew Ryan via a deflection off Mr Dunk.
Mr David De Gea pulled off a brilliant save from Mr Trossard in stoppage time before Mr March netted the goal which should have earned Brighton a point. As already noted, Mr Kavanagh though had other ideas.
Perhaps this robbery would be easier to take if Brighton had not been so outstanding. The Albion were worthy of all three points, let alone one.
To have 18 shots against Manchester United and hit the bar and post five times is a magnificent effort. As much as needing to cheat their way to victory is a sign of how far United have fallen, it is also an indication of how far Brighton have come.
One day, Brighton will get some luck and a set of officials who are not conmen. When that happens, we may well be reporting another crime as if the Albion keep playing like this, an opponent is going to get murdered.
It should not be hard to catch Manchester United and charge them for this robbery. They will return to the scene of the crime on Wednesday night in the Carabao Cup. Graham Potter should send out the same team against Manchester United’s reserves and let them hammer United in revenge.
United will have no Kavanagh or Hooper to aid and abet them on Wednesday. If there is any justice, then both will be caught and locked up for some time. Or at the very least, demoted to do a Rochdale game or something.
If you require anymore details about this robbery, then please do not hesitate to get in touch. There are also tens of thousands of other Brighton fans who can provide their own witness accounts of the crime and who will tell you the exact same thing – the Albion were robbed in losing 2-3 to Manchester United.
I hope you can catch Mr Kavanagh, Mr Hooper, Mr Woodwork, Manchester United and all the other perpetrators involved in this criminal act before they are allowed to cheat anyone else out of points.
Kind regards,
WeAreBrighton.com
