“If me granny had balls, she’d be me grandad” | Canvey Island 2-2 Brighton

“Liam, time running out and Alan Harding bore down into the penalty area, if he scored…”
“I don’t really wanna talk about it. Nicky Rust is paid to make saves like that.”
“If it had gone in, you’d probably have gone out.”
“If me granny had balls, she’d be my grandad.”

That was certainly one way of looking at things. Brighton and Hove Albion had come a Nicky Rust fingertip away from being dumped out of the FA Cup by the might of Isthmian League side Canvey Island and Liam Brady wanted to talk about Grandma Brady’s genitalia or, in this case, lack of it after the sides pulsating 2-2 draw on Sunday 12th November 1995.

This was a horrible day to be an Albion fan, even before thoughts of what Brady’s grandmother had under her skirt surfaced. A trip to Canvey Island in 1995 felt like stepping back to the 1970s.

Despite the game kicking off on a Sunday lunchtime, there was fighting in the town between Brighton and Canvey Island fans beforehand and a febrile atmosphere at the Islanders’ packed Park Lane home.

A capacity crowd of 3,5000 was crammed in with many more people scaling vantage points around the ground for a glimpse of the action, including on the top of portaloos and on the sea wall located some 50 metres behind the away end.

Virtually all of them came in the hope of seeing an upset, but really it wouldn’t have been that much of a surprise had Brighton lost. Yes, there were three divisions between the two teams, but the Albion were homeless, broke, second bottom of the third tier and heading out of business.

Whether there would be a club to support in a years’ time was a more pressing matter than advancing in a competition that Brighton had made the final of just 12 years previously.

On a bumpy pitch against a team consisting of bouncers, bricklayers and postmen and managed by a 25 stone local nightclub owner, the ingredients were ripe for the hosts to spring a shock.

Jeff King was that nightclub owner in question. When asked what he thought of Brighton, his reply was “I think the beach is alright.” He was the sort of man who looked like he enjoyed six or seven pints of Carling every evening washed down with an extra-large pizza – presuming of course he didn’t deem pizza to be too foreign. This was UKIP country before UKIP even existed.

King was loving life while the complete opposite was true of his opposite number Brady. The Albion boss had wanted to resign at the end of the 1994-95 season, only for David Bellotti to tell Brady he had set up a meeting between the manager and chairman Bill Archer in which Archer would reveal a budget increase for the following year.

What actually happened was that Archer said he was cutting the budget and that Brady would have to sack a member of his staff as a result.

Brady knew at that point that something was up, and the only reason he didn’t quit was because his coaching team of Gerry Ryan and George Petchey talked him out of it.

The three of them all took wage cuts in order to fund new signings. Even with that sacrifice, the Albion came into the 1995-96 season with 19 professionals, largely a mix with young pros such as Kevin McGarrigle, Ross Johnson and the Fox Brothers and players coming to the ends of their careers like John Byrne and Steve Foster.

And so Brady limped on with an inadequate squad playing in an atmosphere of rebellion to a background of constant protests against the board after the news broke that Archer had sold the Goldstone and attempted to pocket the profits, leaving the club homeless come the summer of 1996.

The Canvey Island game would prove to be Brady’s penultimate match in the dugout before he finally did decide enough was enough. A week later and after a 3-0 home defeat to Walsall, he walked.

Nobody could blame him – you wouldn’t have expected King and his substantial girth to put up with a situation like it, let alone one of the finest footballers of his generation who graced stages as grand as Juventus and Inter Milan in his playing career. As Ian Hart said at the time, even Alex Fergusson would struggle at the Albion.

Brady did at least give us that fantastic quote eight days before he was gone. The game itself between Brighton and Canvey Island was a proper blood and thunder cup tie, momentum changing quicker than the tide moving through the adjacent Thames Estuary.

Junior McDougald headed home a Dean Wilkins free kick to give Brighton the lead on 16 minutes but just past the half hour mark and Canvey Island were level, Wayne Joscelyn swinging over a cross which was met by a diving header from defender Steve Porter, who looked like he too joined King in the pub for half a dozen pints at the end of the working day.

Canvey were level for just seven minutes before McDougald put Brighton back in the lead, this time taking advantage of a slip by Kevin Lee to fire the ball low and hard past former Albion favourite John Keeley, now playing part-time for the Islanders while working as a taxi driver.

McDougald should have wrapped up his hat-trick and the game just before the hour mark but somehow contrived to slice a Peter Smith cross wide with the goal gaping.

That miss seemed to galvanise Canvey and they were absolutely dominant for the final 30 minutes, the Brighton back four of Smith, Paul McCarthy, Russel Osman and Stuart Myall having to repel wave after wave of yellow attacks.

It came as no surprise when the hosts eventually equalised nine minutes from time. Joscelyn was again the architect – if you can use such a word for a desperate long throw launched into the box.

Porter flicked on and Alan Brett bundled home. Brett was a printing press worker from Watford who helped to bring The Daily Mirror and The Independent to newspaper stands around the country every morning.

Then came the moment which sparked the “If my granny had balls” comment a few minutes from the end. Alan Harding’s fresh legs took him on a run that Maradonna would have been pleased with, around what felt like the entire Brighton team before he was left with only Rust to beat.

Harding’s shot was low and hard but Rust did just enough to get a finger tip to divert the ball. The loose ball was then just out of reach of the onrushing and wonderfully named Glenn Pennyfather. It finished Canvey Island 2-2 Brighton.

The Albion had survived their trip to deepest darkest Essex by the smallest of margins. They would have another chance to defeat Canvey 10 days later at the Goldstone which they duly did, Jimmy Case celebrating his first game in charge after replacing Brady with a 4-1 win.

“At least we’re better off than we were last year,” Brady said before his rant. And that was true – the previous season, the Albion had been dumped out at the same stage by Canvey’s fellow Isthmian League side, Kingstonian.

Things would of course go onto get a whole lost worse following Brady’s departure, but he did at least leave us with arguably the best post match interview any Brighton manager has ever done.