Marc Cucurella is spouting total nonsense & it’s amazing

Is Marc Cucurella quite well? During his one year at Brighton, he came across as a fun and down-to-earth guy who was loving life in England. You never got the sense of there being an air of Alan Partridge mixed with Richard Madeley about him.

Since completing his world record £62 million move to Chelsea, we have seen another side of Cucurella. He has become a Partridge-like figure, spouting total nonsense in interviews at every given opportunity.

And do you know what? It is bloody amazing. Even Chelsea fans can see and are pointing out that 80 percent of the stuff coming out of Cucurella is waffle.

From absolute claptrap about longing to play at Stamford Bridge after driving past one day in his car to talking about how he took every free kick for Brighton, Cucurella is coming out with a level of bollocks rarely seen outside of a character in an Armando Iannucci sitcom.

Some Albion supporters are becoming increasingly irate about Cucurella. There are far bigger things to get angry about in the world than Cucurella trying to claim he is a lifelong Blues fan.

Like having to pay Brighton £2.50 to use your own ink, paper and electricity to print at home a ticket to get into the Amex. Just ask Dave from the 2022 Brighton Fans’ Forum.

Instead of getting wound up, just sit back and enjoy it. We are witnessing creative storytelling genius on a par with Roald Dahl from the reigning WAB Brighton Player of the Season.

Here are four of Cucurella’s best lines so far. Long may they continue…

Hello Blues, I’m finally here! So proud of joining this team and happy to have achieved one of my dreams since I was a KID, to play for CHELSEA F.C.
Can’t wait to get started! 💙 pic.twitter.com/aYw3foWR7k

— Marc Cucurella (@cucurella3) August 5, 2022

“Hello Blues, I’m finally here! So proud of joining this team and happy to have achieved one of my dreams since I was a KID, to play for CHELSEA F.C. Can’t wait to get started!”

Within hours of his unveiling as a Chelsea player and the world’s most expensive ever full back, Marc Cucurella got the party started with a fantastic attempt at rewriting history.

Taking to Twitter, the lifelong Barcelona fan who had made no secret that his ultimate aim was to play for boyhood club Barca proudly told the world that he had achieved a childhood dream by signing for CHELSEA F.C.

Less than a week earlier, Cucurella and his agent had been briefing Fabrizio Romano and anyone else who would listen that he only wanted to leave Brighton for Manchester City.

Who knew that he held such a deep desire to play for the Blues? Not even Cucurella himself probably until they waved an alleged £175,000 a week under his nose.

“There were a lot of rumours. I think it was a good moment to move to a big club. Chelsea is a big club. Very happy to stay here. Interested in me all summer. Happy to stay here.”

For unknown reasons, Cucurella has also tried to claim that Chelsea were interested in him all summer and that a move to Stamford Bridge was almost inevitable.

Weird, because as far as anyone else can remember it was two months of speculation linking him with City. Even when City opened the bidding at £30 million and then increased it to £40 million, there was not a single rumour that the Blues might come in for Cucurella.

You would think that if there were interest all summer, then Chelsea would have made their move at the same time as City. Just in case Tony Bloom did accept the offer from the Abu Dhabi Sportswashers.

Not come in a fortnight after City had two offers rejected and with the opening day of the Premier League season only a couple of days away.

“It’s difficult the free kicks. In Brighton I take them. Here, other players can take them. If I have the opportunity, maybe I take one. I will score, 100%.”

This is the Marc Cucurella yarn that gathered a lot of a laughter across Sussex. Hands up, who can ever remember Cucurella taking free kicks?

He might have clipped one into the box at some point in a game nobody wants to remember, like when Brighton drew 0-0 at home to rock bottom Norwich.

But he never took free kicks with any regularity. That duty mainly fell to a combination of Pascal Gross, Leandro Trossard and Solly March.

Christ, even Lewis Dunk going for a Cristiano Ronaldo style wobble free kick happened more regularly than Cucurella taking.

Not only was Cucurella claiming to be some sort of set piece maestro at the Albion, but he also reckons he was good enough at them to score if he gets the chance to take one for Chelsea. Incredible.

“I remember with my family, we came to London and on our way back to Brighton, we drove in front of Stamford Bridge. I remember I said to my wife, ‘imagine one day playing in this stadium’. Then this summer, I had this opportunity. I think this is a dream for me, playing in this big club.”

Firstly, what sort of route takes you past Stamford Bridge when driving from London to Brighton? The first thing Cucurella should do with his healthy new pay packet is buy a new satnav.

His current one is adding hours onto his journey by taking him miles out of his way. Think of the damage the extra petrol or diesel fumes are doing to the environment too.

Secondly, you can barely see Stamford Bridge from the road outside. It is hidden behind that huge hotel Ken Bates built behind the away end.

If Cucurella did drive past on a detour taking him across west London when he should have been heading south, then he probably what not have even noticed the home of Chelsea.

Thirdly, Stamford Bridge does not even look that amazing from the outside. It barely even looks like a football ground, thanks to the hotel and its placement back from the Fulham Road.

Fourthly, he talks about his dream again. And there the rest of the world was, having listened to Cucurella in the past, thinking that his dream was to play at Camp Nou (or the Etihad Stadium in the two months City showed an interest in him).

Paging the Did Not Happen of the Year Awards. You need Marc Cucurella on your shortlist.