Brighton 4-0 Man United: BRIGHTON FOUR MANCHESTER UNITED NIL

What the fuck happened? If you have woken up following the events of Saturday night and believe that you may have taken too much LSD, ketamine, magic mushrooms or some other mind altering substance, then fear not – according to the BBC, the final score at the Amex really was Brighton 4-0 Man United.

Growing up as a kid in a Sussex school in the 1990s, over 50 percent of the class supported Man United. They used to celebrate title wins and trebles whilst asking “Why do you support Brighton?!” on a Monday morning after the Albion had been turned over away at Halifax Town.

Well my friends, it is evenings like this that are the reason. 25 years after avoiding the drop into non-league football by the skin of their teeth, Brighton & Hove Albion went and destroyed the most famous team in English football. And it was absolutely glorious.

Pundits and United fans will point to the fact that the Red Devils were on the beach. They cannot reach the top four and they will not drop out of the Europa League places, so their season is all but done.

But to claim that as the reason for it finishing Brighton 4-0 Man United does a disservice to the Albion. Brighton were incredible in exploiting United’s lethargy to deliver the sort of home result the Amex crowd deserves having seen only three wins and 12 goals before United rocked up in Sussex.

The Albion scored a quarter of their entire home goals total in a little over an hour against United. That is the most extraordinary factor of a quite extraordinary result.

From the first whistle, Brighton looked far more up for it than their illustrious visitors. That was true of the XI men on the pitch and the Albion supporters amongst the 31,637 crowd – a stadium attendance tickets sold record.

An entire afternoon of drinking ahead of a 5:30pm kick off had sparked the enthusiasm of Albion fans and the Amex was subsequently louder than it has been for many years, probably since the 1-0 win over Manchester United in May 2018 which secured Premier League survival for Chris Hughton and his merry band of men.

There were only two survivors from that first top flight season under Hughton in the Albion team for Brighton 4-0 Man United.

Lewis Dunk was so good against Cristiano Ronaldo that one of the greatest players in the history of football resembled Chris O’Grady and Pascal Gross was, well, Pascal Gross.

If the Albion do not tie their German playmaker down for another year then it will be an absolute crime.

He was central to everything good that Brighton did, serving a timely reminder that for all the young whippersnappers the Seagulls have signed, Gross remains the most creative player in Graham Potter’s squad by some distance.

It was one of those youngsters who opened the scoring for the Albion with 15 minutes on the clock. Moises Caicedo is a self-confessed Man United obsessive and he might have even moved to Old Trafford in January 2021 rather than joining Brighton.

United had struck a fee with Independiente del Valle but found the complex web of third party ownership which engulfs so many South American prospects too hard to cut through.

As a result, they pulled out of signing Caicedo. Brighton meanwhile had a bit of experience dealing with young players from Ecuador, having worked with Independiente to sign Billy Arce a few years previously.

That gave the Albion the know-how needed to bring Caicedo to England. The total sum of Arce’s Brighton career may have amounted to a couple of loan spells in South America and time in an Ecuadorian jail for drink driving, but if buying him paved the way for Caicedo to become a Seagull then signing Arce has to rank as a fantastic bit of business.

How much United will live to regret not signing Caicedo was rightly being asked afterwards. The answer will probably come in the summer of 2023 as if Caicedo continues on his current trajectory, Brighton will be receiving offers of £60 million to £70 million for him. He is that good.

Comparisons to Yves Bissouma are in one way compliment but in another do not do Caicedo justice. Bissouma is arguably the best player ever to play for Brighton (sorry Señor Vicente) and yet it took him 18 months to become an established first team regular as he needed an adjustment period to get used to English football.

Caicedo in contrast looks completely at home after only six Premier League appearances. Watch a 20-year-old dominating in midfield with flicks, tricks, an assist at Arsenal and now a goal against Manchester United and you would think he has been playing at this level for his entire life rather than one month.

He is going to be a better player than Bissouma and that is saying something. My advice? Enjoy every moment that Caicedo plays for Brighton because it will not be long until he moves to one of the biggest clubs in the world for an astronomical fee.

His first Premier League goal was certainly something to enjoy. Gross saw a volley blocked with the ball falling to Caicedo 25 yards out from goal.

Potter will not have enjoyed the fact that the crowd shouted SHOOT but Caicedo listened, striking a crisp volley into the bottom corner which gave David De Gea no chance.

It was a case of Moises parting a red sea of shirts. And yes, we have had that one lined up since the moment he signed. What a dream to use it after only six Premier League appearances and against United of all opponents.

Caicedo is of course not the only United fan in the Albion squad. Danny Welbeck came through the famous academy at Old Trafford and he was in determined mood to reap further misery on the Red Devils.

Dat Guy was sensational. He might only be fit for half the season, but his performance against United was a reminder of why you accept that being the case. 19 games of Welbeck is better than 38 games of most other strikers in the top flight.

He had the Albion’s best first half opportunity to add to their lead. Robert Sanchez hit a long punt over the top which Raphael Varane misjudged.

Welbeck got on the end of it to produce an absolutely outrageous first time volley which lobbed De Gea but ended up narrowly off target.

There was something rather enjoyable about seeing Varane struggling so much. YouTuber Mark Goldbridge spent the summer mocking Arsenal for spending £50 million on Ben White whilst United forked out £42 million on Varane.

Goldbridge clearly does not understand the economics of football; that Arsenal were signing a player with a decade ahead of him at the top of the game and United were getting a bloke with no resale value who would soon enter a sharp decline. White versus Varane was a debate no sensible football fan even considered.

The proof of the pudding is of course in the eating. White and Arsenal are on course for the Champions League whilst Varane spent 90 minutes looking like a pub player as Brighton beat Man United 4-0.

Ralf Rangnick – who once went to the University of Sussex and played in the County League for Southwick in case you didn’t know – changed things up at half time with Edinson Cavani and Fred coming on.

That made little difference and within four minutes of the restart, Brighton doubled their lead. Marc Cucurella should be a shoe-in for Player of the Season with the only possible criticism about the wild-haired Spaniard this season being his lack of goals.

Cucurella duly set about writing that wrong when sweeping a Leandro Trossard pull-back into the top corner from 12 yards. And just in case you could not love Cucurella anymore, he burst into tears afterwards. What a man.

That goal led to total and utter capitulation from United. Eight minutes later and Sanchez sent a long ball forward to Cucurella.

He found Trossard who worked it inside to Gross. By this point, United had already been completely bamboozled by the silky footwork of the German, including a mesmerising double Gross Turn followed by a back heel to release a rampaging teammate into space.

Gross was coolness personified when collecting Trossard’s pass, dancing his way past Varane (£42 million LOL) before stroking into the back of the United net. If this was to be Gross’ penultimate game as a Brighton player at the Amex, what a way to mark it.

Brighton 3-0 Man United seemed scarcely believable. When it became Brighton 4-0 Man United three minutes later, it felt like the sort of thing you only normally experience when you buy magic mushrooms off a random bloke in the Shangri-La area of Glastonbury.

Gross played in Welbeck who dinked over De Gea. Although Diogo Dalot managed to get back and clear Dat Guy’s effort off the line, he only succeeded in smashing the ball into Trossard to bundle home.

“WE WANT FIVE!” was the cry from the Amex, along with “How shit must you be, we’re winning at home!” In a sign of how bad things had become for United, their supporters let off a flare to celebrate Harry Maguire coming on as a substitute.

Clearly, the pyrotechnics had been smuggled in (and again, how is it that away fans can get fireworks in when home fans face a life ban and 25 years in a Siberian gulag for carrying a bottle top?) to celebrate a United goal.

The travelling support saw no prospect of that happening, and so decided to mark the return of their captain from injury instead.

United were at least a little improved after Maguire’s intervention, which is food for thought for all his critics. Sanchez displayed excellent handling on several occasions and produced a fine stop to deny Bruno Fernandes.

The visitors had the ball in the back of the net when Cavani fired home a Maguire knockdown from a corner, only for VAR to rule it out.

Yes, a VAR decision went in favour of the Albion against Man United. That was arguably more shocking than the final score.

“You’re not fit to wear the shirt” blared out from the away end as the second half progressed and the Albion went in search of that fifth goal.

They nearly found it as well, Welbeck bending a fine effort just wide of the post and De Gea producing the sort of save only he can make to tip a Gross effort around the post.

The full time whistle arrived with the Amex still almost-full. No greater compliment can be paid to Potter and the players than the fact that Albion fans were willing to forsake getting home quickly or not having to queue for a beer to applaud the team off.

Drinking a pint in the sunshine outside afterwards as United fans scuttled away and Brighton legends like Bobby Zamora, Guy Butters and Alan Mullery posed for photos with fans was the perfect way to round off the perfect day.

“Did you enjoy that, Alan?” I asked Mr Mullery whilst taking a selfie to send to my mother, who saw her first promotion as an Albion fan delivered by the great man and that team of Peter Ward, Brian Horton, Ian Mellor and the rest.

“Fantastic” was his response. Turns out none of it was a drug-infused dream. Brighton 4-0 Man United really did happen.