Luton Town 4-0 Brighton: Hatters hammer hapless Albion

Turns out you can do quite a lot in 180 seconds. Boil a very soft egg. Drive 3.5 miles on a motorway. Brush your teeth. Listen to Wannabe by the Spice Girls. And in the case of Luton Town 4-0 Brighton, lose a Premier League game of football.

Kick off at Kenilworth Road was at 7:45pm. By 7:48pm, the Hatters were 2-0 ahead. Three minutes was all it took for the side who started the evening 18th in the table to have the match won, setting the tone for an absolute clusterfuck of an Albion performance.

Roberto De Zerbi was outthought by Rob Edwards and Brighton were outfought by their hosts. The Seagulls had no answer to Luton’s aggressive press as – not for the first time this season – Brighton looked far too lightweight through the middle.

Nights like these make the gamble the Albion took in signing a 19-year-old with just a handful career games in Ligue 1 under his belt to replace Alexis Mac Allister and Moises Caicedo look particularly reckless.

As delightful, technical players as Pascal Gross and Billy Gilmour are, when Brighton cannot dictate possession and are put under pressure, neither is suited to doing a physical job shielding the defence.

Aston Villa ruthlessly exploited the same weakness when thrashing Brighton 6-1 at Villa Park in September. Edwards repeated the trick and De Zerbi was either unwilling or unable to find a way to adapt.

On the subject of dictating possession and the way the game was played, the Albion could not have strung more than five passes together all evening. They frequently gifted the ball to their orange-clad opponents.

It is a genuine surprise that the BBC have Brighton down as recording 60 percent possession. Nine shots and two on target compared to the 18 and eight of the Hatters is more indicative of what sort of evening this was.

With those numbers, Luton needless to say looked capable of scoring every time they came forward. The only saving grace being that decision makers at Liverpool, Barcelona or any other top club with a managerial vacancy coming up this summer will look at Luton 4-0 Brighton and conclude De Zerbi is not yet ready for a big job all the while his teams concede so many goals.

Only Bournemouth, Luton, Burnley and Sheffield United have shipped more than the Albion this season. Small shoots of hope that a corner had been turned in that regard came when Brighton kept back-to-back Premier League sheets in 0-0 draws with Wolves and West Ham United.

There is an argument to be made that two consecutive shutouts means the defence can be forgiven one off-night of the sort they suffered at Kenilworth Road. These things happen from time to time.

Of greater concern is what is going on at the other end. To go three games without scoring suggests there is a serious issue in attack, which most Albion fans can pinpoint the exact source of – no wingers denying Brighton the width, pace and directness that are essential to DeZerbiBall.

All the while Kaoru Mitoma, Simon Adingra, Ansu Fati and Solly March remain unavailable, Brighton are going to struggle for the goals needed to improve questionable form which now reads three victories in 16 Premier League matches.

How the Albion remain eighth is something of a mystery, as is why more is not being made of just three wins since the end of September. Positive, memorable results in the Europa League and a good FA Cup run seem to be papering over cracks.

I will happily admit to not realising the extent of the Albion’s patchy Premier League form until it was pointed out in one of the many WhatsApp groups carrying out a Luton 4-0 Brighton post mortem.

To enter the away end at Kenilworth Road, supporters famously pass through turnstiles installed where there should be the living room of a house.

Any Albion latecomers who loitered taking in the novelty of it all for more than 18 seconds after referee Robert Jones blew his whistle to start the game missed Luton going 1-0 up.

It went something like this. Brighton kicked off. Played a couple of passes around. Facundo Buonanotte lost the ball. Luton worked possession to Chiedozie Ogbene.

He crossed from the Luton right. Carlton Morris headed down. Elijah Adebayo got there before Jason Steele and flicked home.

Two minutes later and the Hatters doubled the advantage. Adebayo hit a through ball down that same channel where the Albion had already gone to pieces conceding the opener.

Pervis Estupinan at left wing back was nowhere to be seen. Igor Julio and Lewis Dunk were caught totally flatfooted. It was hard to tell if they were unaware or trying to play a woeful offside trap, leaving Ogbene to run clear.

Steele is clearly not partaking in Dry January as the decision to come haring 30 yards off his line to try and beat Ogbene to the pass was the sort only a man who has consumed 15 pints of Stella Artois makes.

With grim predictability, Steele was a distant second in his race against Ogbene. The Luton winger rounded Steele and was left with the simple task of rolling into the back of the net.

The Hatters led 2-0 just in time for your soft boiled egg to be ready as Posh, Baby, Sporty, Scary and Ginger finish singing “Slam your body down and zigazig ah…”

Only once since Sky Sports invented football in 1992 has a Premier League team taken a faster 2-0 lead than Luton managed against Brighton, Leicester City doing so when they hammered Derby County 4-0 at Pride Park in April 1998.

Danny Welbeck should have pulled one back but he could not quite slide onto a low Joao Pedro cross into the box. Sambi Lokonga was then somewhat fortunate not to be red carded after planting his studs firmly on the thigh of Buonanotte.

In any other game this season, the lack of sending off would have sent Seagulls fans into overdrive. It barely registered in Luton 4-0 Brighton. The Albion were so bad that Luton going down to 10 would have made little different to the outcome.

Hatters goal number three arrived just before half time. Brighton’s 3-4-3 formation faltered again as yet another gap appeared between Igor and Estupinan, through which Ross Barkley picked out Adebayo to beat Steele at his near post.

With no trains and the M25 and M1 having been complete bastards on the journey up, some Albion fans headed for home at this point.

Those who left missed Joe Clark put the ball into the back of the net four minutes into the second half. Brighton were thankful that the offside flag went up.

Their blushes were not spared for long, however. Just before the hour mark and the score did become Luton 4-0 Brighton.

Pedro flicked on a corner and Adebayo was lost by Gilmour and Jan Paul van Hecke, allowing the Hatters forward a free header to compete his hat-trick.

It became a case of damage limitation from that point on. Brighton did at least manage to make it through the next 30 minutes without conceding again, and there were apologies afterwards from De Zerbi and Van Hecke.

The perfect warm up for the small matter of facing Crystal Palace on Saturday. Much, much better will be needed if the Albion are not to suffer embarrassment at the hands of their arch rivals.