Kim Jong-un delighted with Palace away ticketing arrangements

New Crystal Palace Head of Security Kim Jong-un described himself as being “delighted” with the checks put in place for visiting Brighton and Hove Albion supporters for when the Seagulls visit Selhurst Park on April 14th.

It was announced earlier in the week that Albion fans will have to show photo ID or their Brighton season ticket or membership cards before being allowed to approach the turnstiles for the Arthur Waite Stand, where they will be housed for their eagerly anticipated Premier League clash.

Any Brighton supporter who cannot produce the required necessary identification papers or who’s name does not match the one printed on the match day ticket they are carrying will be turned away and sentenced to 15 years hard labour in the nearest gulag at East Croydon.

The draconian measures have been put in place as a direct response to the shocking scenes in the previous league meeting at the Amex when Palace’s “ultras” stormed the stadium to enter without tickets before letting off fireworks and bangers during the game.

In order to avoid a repeat of those scenes when the focus switches to south London, Palace have consulted a group of renowned security experts including Mr Kim, Joseph Stalin, Chairman Mao and Heinrich Himmler who were only too happy to pool their many years of experience of controlling and treating people like absolute shit to come up with the plan.

Brighton CEO Paul Barber refused to comment on speculation that the Albion could launch retaliatory measures should Palace still be a Premier League side next season, but it is understood a ban could be put in place to prevent any virgins wearing black hoodies from entering the Amex.