Chelsea and their addiction to the Brighton sweet shop
Other reputable websites like The Athletic will no doubt provide the inside story of how Chelsea have managed to spend over £800 million in 12 months under Todd Boehly, including breaking the British transfer record to sign Moises Caicedo for £115 million from Brighton
But until then, WAB have taken it upon ourselves to imagine the conversations held at Stamford Bridge this past year since Boehly rocked up and decided to try and turn Chelsea into Chelsea & Hove Albion.
In the interest of patient confidentially and to avoid identifying anyone, we have anonymised the imagined transcripts.
VOR stands for the the Voice of Reason and Bodd T is a name generated totally at random in this imagined narrative, representing the party with the addictive personality who is fixated by all things Albion.
The Left Back Shop
It is the summer of 2022. Manchester City have offered £30 million for a curly haired left back with an indication they will go no higher than £40 million.
Brighton are believed to be unwilling to sell for less than £50 million. Cue Chelsea entering the Left Back Shop.
VOR: “Sir, we’ve gotten lost and come to the wrong shop. We already have Ben Chilwell at left back and two young future stars, Ian Maatsen and Lewis Hall. They are long term options and you said we are looking long term here, not short term.”
Bodd T: “But Pep Guardiola wanted Marc Cucurella so he must be really good.”
VOR: “Yes Guardiola likes him, but he doesn’t believe he is worth £50 million. That’s the reported price we have to pay Brighton.”
Bodd T: “I had a conversation with Brighton. They seem great. They also mentioned another youngster we have called Levi Colwill.”
“I want to get Cucurella and give Colwill to Brighton. Can we make both deals happen with how much loose change is in my wallet?”
VOR: “There is £62 million in loose change, but you don’t need to spend all that. Brighton would settle for around £50 million for Cucurella.”
“Colwill showed at Huddersfield last season he is ready for our first team. Not sure we should let him go. And he would certainly be worth a loan fee to offset some of what we need to spend on Cucurella.”
Bodd T: “I want to show City we mean business. Let’s make a statement. Give Brighton both the £62 million and Colwill for a year and get the deals done.”
The Manager Shop
It is September 2022. Unsatisfied with the head coach who delivered Chelsea the Champions League in 2021 and reached both the FA and League Cup finals in 2022, Chelsea enter the Manager Shop.
Bodd T: “I’m tired of dealing with Thomas Tuchel. Look at Brighton. They are above us in the table. Let’s get their manager Graham Potter and the rest of his team in on six year contracts. We need to become Chelsea & Hove Albion.”
VOR: “Three problems. First, they have a release clause of £21 million. With the contracts proposed, if it doesn’t work, you’ll end up paying out the same in compensation to sack them.”
“Second, I think the thing we really need is the Starlizard database for player recruitment and that is not for sale. It is more responsible for Brighton’s success than any individual.”
“And third, Potter is a great long term option. But he took two years to really start working at Brighton. You can expect periods of poor results and a lot more expected goals than actual goes before it all works. Chelsea fans won’t have the patience for that.”
TB: “I’ve said it is a long term project, I’ll stick by Graham and it will be worth it in the end.”
Back in The Manager Shop seven months later
Bodd T: “The crowd have turned – Potter has to go.”
VOR: “But you said you were in it for the long term. On performance and expected goals the team is improving. Give it time, Potter will work it out.”
Bodd T: “No, Potter has to go. I need the fans onside. I hear they like this bloke called Frank Lampard? Get him in for the rest of the season.”
VOR: “Did you see the 4-1 hammering that Brighton gave Everton just after Christmas? It was worse than our 4-1 hammering at the Amex.”
“Lampard has just been sacked by Everton. They are 19th in the table and lost 9 of their last 12 games under him. You would be better off sticking with Graham Potter.”
Bodd T: “Pay him off. Get Frank. He is the man to turn our season around.”
The Defensive Midfield Shop
The summer of 2023 arrives. Chelsea find themselves entering the Defensive Midfield Shop for urgent reinforcements, despite having spent over half a billion pounds in the previous 12 months.
VOR: “Sir, we have now lost all our defensive midfield players. We really need a new one.”
Bodd T: “What are the options? And when I say what are the options, I mean who can we sign from Brighton and which other young players are Brighton after?”
VOR: “You know they like to develop new players to replace their stars. It is rumoured that they think 19-year-old Lesley Ugochukwu at Rennes could be the next Moises Caicedo.”
Bodd T: “If Brighton want Ugochukwu, he must be good. Don’t worry about scouting him or anything, let’s buy him.”
VOR: “But we already have Andre Santos. He’s doing great, we don’t need another development option. And not sure our new head coach Mauricio Pochettino fancies Ugochukwu, he doesn’t think he is ready yet.”
Bodd T: “I don’t care. buy him up and loan him out if Pocehttino doesn’t want him. Which players are available to buy for the first team now?”
VOR: “There are three. Tyler Adams, he has a release clause of £20 million, which is very good value.”
Bodd T: “Why is he cheap? And I only want him if Brighton want him.”
VOR: “Adams might not be of interest to Brighton as he doesn’t fit into their style of play. He is energetic and good defensively but more limited on the ball. Brighton midfielders have to possess an excellent range of passing.”
“Maybe we should look at Romeo Lavia from Southampton? He is only 19 and needs a bit of polishing, but has the potential to be a great player.”
Bodd T: “Do Brighton want Lavia?”
VOR: “No. Southampton are insisting on £50 million for Lavia, which puts him out of Brighton’s price range. It is also expected he wants to go to Liverpool.”
Bodd T: “Well, who can we buy from Brighton?”
VOR: “Caicedo would be an elite option. And he is the one Pochettino wants. Arsenal offered £70 million in January but that wasn’t enough.”
“Brighton want £100 million and you know them from when we bought Cucurella and Potter. You won’t be able to negotiate them down.”
Bodd T: “Right, let’s go for all three. Adams, Lavia and Caicedo. Stops Liverpool having them. Pay the release clause for Adams as I can’t be bothered to negotiate.”
“I do need to show that Chelsea aren’t going to keep paying big money and that I am a hard and skilled negotiator. Let’s do that by offering Brighton £60 million for Caicedo.”
VOR: “They said no to Arsenal at £70 million and Caicedo is now on a longer contract. It won’t work.”
Bodd T: “What about Kylian Mbappe from Paris Saint-Germain?”
VOR: “He isn’t a defensive midfielder. He would cost a world record fee. And he only wants Real Madrid. We cannot get distracted, we are in the Defensive Midfield Shop for a reason.”
The Goalkeeper Shop
One week later and Chelsea find themselves suitably distracted by their goalkeeper situation. Having sold Edouard Mendy to the Saudi Super League, they require a ready-made replacement.
VOR: “We need a goalkeeper to compete with Kepa Arrizabalaga. We could go with a cheap back up option like Martin Dubravka and use the money saved to meet the asking prices set by Brighton and Southampton for Caicedo and Lavia.”
Bodd T: “Is there a goalkeeper we can sign from Brighton?”
VOR: Yes, they want to sell Robert Sanchez. He is now third choice at Brighton behind Jason Steele and Bart Verbuggen.”
“Sanchez will cost around £25 million. You could buy David Raya from Brentford for not much more, and he looked a lot better than Sanchez last season.”
Bodd T: “Buy me Brighton’s third choice goalkeeper.”
Back in the Defensive Midfield Shop a week later
With the Sanchez deal complete, Chelsea return to the Defensive Midfield Shop. The 2023-24 Premier League season is now just days away and Pochettino is increasingly desperate for the holding midfielder his squad clearly needs.
Bodd T: “Remind me again, how much do we need to offer Brighton to get Caicedo?”
VOR: “£100 million. The same price as six weeks ago.”
Bodd T: “Right. Well, I still need to look like I am a hard and skilled negotiator so we can’t pay that. Bid £90 million for Caicedo and £48 million for Lavia.”
VOR: “Brighton and Southampton won’t accept those offers and other clubs may jump in ahead of us. Our Lavia offer to steal him away from Liverpool has annoyed them. They are now coming for Caicedo and Bayern Munich are interested as well.”
Back in the Defensive Midfield Shop three days later
Bodd T: “This unnamed club bidding £80 million for Caicedo means we are going to have to offer £90 million now. We outbid them but I still look like a hard and skilled negotiator for getting Caicedo below the asking price.”
VOR: “But sir, Liverpool are serious and we’ve annoyed them with Lavia. They have now bid £110 million for Caicedo in an attempt to win the auction.”
Bodd T: “How has this happened? Well, I really want Caicedo so let’s offer £115 million and a sell on clause.”
VOR: “That would be a British record transfer fee. What about financial fair play?”
Bodd T: “I don’t need to know about that. Now we have Caicedo, who else can we sign from Brighton over the next three transfer windows?”
VOR: “Lewis Dunk, Pascal Gross, Solly March and Joel Veltman are all underrated players without whom Brighton would not be the club they are.
Bodd T: “Forget those, I have made my own list. I want Evan Ferguson, Kaoru Mitoma, Julio Enciso, Pervis Estupinan, Bart Verbruggen, Joao Pedro, Simon Adingra, Carl Rushworth, Yasin Ayari, Andrew Moran, Jack Hinshelwood, Cam Peupion, and if Pochettino doesn’t work out, Robe…”
Help for Chelsea in managing their addiction to the Brighton Sweet Shop
Just in case Bodd T is reading this, we have taken advice from The Nourished Child website regarding sugar addition in children and tried to apply it to a football club owner with more money than sense:
Less is more: Consider removing the temptation if sweets trigger a child’s eating or cravings
Not an easy one this as Bodd T is the owner with almost unlimited wealth. If only football had some sort of financial fair play regulations in place, then Chelsea might have to think twice before buying everything and anything from Brighton.
Offer other satisfying, nutritious snack options instead of sweets
Bodd T should watch Chelsea Under 21s and the army of talented young players his club has out on loan to realise what he already has. Colwill being exhibit A.
Let the child have sweets in moderation at predictable time to avoid feelings of food restriction and scarcity
Moderation? That sounds like financial fair play again. And whereas clubs like Wolves have fallen foul of the regulations, big spenders from the big six seem to somehow meet the limits every time. Further work required…
Peter Finn
