The alternative Amex Travel Guide

In case you hadn’t heard, transport from the Amex is going to be an absolute bloody nightmare for Brighton and Hove Albion’s home game with Arsenal on Boxing Day.

There are no trains running between Brighton and Falmer. The 5.30pm kick off as decreed by our Lord and Masters at Sky Sports means that the game finishes after the final trains of the day back to London. For a stadium that relies so heavily on public transport to operate, the visit of the Gunners has carnage written all over it.

In fairness to the Albion, they’ve come up with some alternative plans which are namely to stick temporary Park and Ride sites anywhere within a 10 mile radius of the stadium and run some shuttle buses from both Brighton and Lewes Station.

Hardly the most inventive of solutions. Luckily, WeAreBrighton.com are here to help and we’ve come up 13 alternative ways that would be more reliable than Southern Rail in ensuring we can support our team.

Donkey

What is it? A domesticated member of the horse family that was used in biblical times to transport people and goods around.
Pros: As a mode of transport, this was good enough for Jesus of Nazareth and by association, his two look-a-likes Inigo Calderon and Ezequiel Schelotto. It is also environmentally friendly which should please the green lobby.
Cons: Given the Albion’s record at signing donkeys to play up front, there’s a real danger it could be offered a playing contract. See Jurgen Locadia, Leon Best, Billy Paynter.
 

TARDIS

What is it? A time travelling machine used by a race called the Time Lords from the planet of Gallifrey. TARDIS stands for time and relative dimension in space.
Pros: Time Lord technology means it is bigger on the inside, so it can fit an absolute shed load of people inside it for the journey – potentially all 30,000 fans attempting to get to the Amex. The lovely Jenna Coleman might also be on board
Cons: Being a time machine, there is a danger it could inadvertently take us back to 1998 and then we’d be stuck in Gillingham watching Michael Mahoney-Johnson again.
 

A lift with Alex Pritchard’s agent

What is it? A lift with the agent of Alex Pritchard, otherwise known as a money grabbing bastard.
Pros: You wouldn’t have to pay petrol money as he has so much of it himself. In fact, you would probably end up making a fair whack through knowing him.
Cons: There is a danger you would find yourself stuck in the M25 for a short amount of time which in turn leads to you end up at Carrow Road, Norwich instead.
 

Ambulance

What is it? A mode of transport used to respond to emergency situations which ferries people to and from hospitals.
Pros: With blue lights flashing and sirens blaring, other vehicles would be forced out of the way meaning a quick journey time to the Amex can be achieved.
Cons: Given our injury record so far this season, there is a danger that the vehicle may be commandeered mid match to take a player to hospital, potentially leaving one stranded at Falmer.
 

Hogwarts Express

What is it? A steam train that takes students to and from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry, based somewhere in Scotland.
Pros: The only known instance of someone not getting on bored did not involve one of Southern’s favourites, the “shortage of available train crew”, but a rogue elf named Dobby who sealed the barrier.
Cons: Not available on September 1st should there be a home game. Then there is the potential chaos of people trying to get onto a platform that doesn’t exist at Brighton Station.
 

Flying Saucer

What is it? A strange craft that is often perceived to be the preferred mode of transport of alien creatures when they visit Earth.
Pros: These things can go bloody fast. It would also afford you the sort of views humans rarely get to experience, up there among the moon and the stars.
Cons: Once you up there in space and have seen Seven Stars, Paul Barber will try and charge you £250 for the privilege. This means it is hardly used.
 

Log Flume

What is it? A newly constructed log flume taking people from the Palace Pier along the length of Lewes Road and into Falmer Pond.
Pros: It would probably be the longest log flume in the world, potentially providing a valuable revenue stream for Paul Barber to rinse the cash from.
Cons: Wouldn’t come cheap. Given that it took over a decade to get the stadium built in the first place, a scheme involving 30,000 fans being deposited by a mechanical log into Falmer Pond could prove difficult to get past the planning stage.
 

Hang Glider

What is it? A non motorised foot launched heavier than air aircraft. Basically, jump off a hill and hope some wind carries you along.
Pros: Would provide a scenic journey from Glynde to Amex. There is also the opportunity to stop at the wonderful Middle Farm before hand to stock up on 11% ciders.
Cons: Glynde is even more of a bastard to get to than Falmer. And you could be buggered if weather conditions aren’t right which they invariably won’t be half, instead sending you gliding out over the English Channel or worse, towards Newhaven.
 

Bed from Bedknobs and Broomsticks

What is it? A bed that is enchanted by the witch Eglantine Price so that it can fly to any destination the user desires.
Pros: A comfortable journey to the stadium. If Sami Hyypia ever got another shot at the job or Chris Hughton reverted to his negative football at home, you could simply lie on your mode of transport and have a sleep.
Cons: Doesn’t have good history when it comes to transportation to a football game after the riot during the Isle of Naboombu Cup Final between the blue team and the yellow team when a rhino inadvertently punctured the ball.
 

Gus Bus

What is it? A relic from a previous life – a bus that is piloted by Gus Poyet on a journey.
Pros: Has what Gus himself describes as “an unbreakable glass ceiling”, which makes it an extremely safe choice of transport.
Cons: Doesn’t deal well with any unexpected diversions as if it doesn’t get it’s own way it is prone to going off the rails. Prone to constantly breaking down.
 

Skiing

What is it? A personal mode of transport in which you use ski’s to glide to a destination across snow.
Pros: Provides good exercise and an even better excuse to wear horrible clothing. Greater exposure to the sport could also improve Team GB’s medal haul at future Winter Olympics.
Cons: Sussex suffers from what some would call a significant lack of snow. The journey from the city centre to the Amex is largely uphill which would also makes things difficult.
 

Hearse

What is it? A elongated car used by undertakers for carrying a coffin to a funeral.
Pros: Given that there seems to be a minutes applause for something or other every other week at the Amex, it would get you in the mood for that. The sombre atmosphere is also good preparation for 90 minutes in the North Stand.
Cons: Conversation isn’t all that and you would probably have to wear black and white in the back of the thing which may lead some to conclude you are a Newcastle United fan. They are also incredibly slow so time would become a factor.
 

Magic Carpet

What is it? A mythical form of transport which involves an enchanted carpet that can fly. Popular in Agrabah many years ago.
Pros: The ideal mode of family transport which disappointing has never really taken off in Europe. It allows for quick exits and you can fit your mother, your father, your wife, your daughter and a lad in.
Cons: If everybody arrived by magic carpet then parking at the stadium could prove troublesome, not to mention air traffic control in Sussex would be in a whole new world of problems.